Act Three

The foyer at the Summers house. Ted's body is zipped up into a body bag. The coroners wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside Buffy is sitting on the porch steps by the pillar. Joyce watches as the coroners wheel Ted's body away. She is approached by Detective Stein.

Det. Stein: Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein. I'm sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased?

Joyce: We were, uh, seeing each other.

Det. Stein: Can you tell me what happened?

Joyce: He fell. Down the stairs, he fell.

Det. Stein: I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall?

Buffy: I hit him.

Detective Stein turns to look at her sitting on the steps.

Buffy: I hit him.

Cut to the police station. Joyce is sitting by Detective Stein's desk, waiting to find out what's going to happen. The camera pans across the room and over to her, looking apprehensive. Cut to the interrogation room. Buffy is sitting at the table, looking down while being interviewed.

Buffy: He was in my room. And we got into an argument.

Det. Stein: About what?

Buffy: He, um...

Det. Stein: Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?

Buffy: (looks up) No. He threatened me. He, he said that he would slap me.

Det. Stein: That was tonight.

Buffy: No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and that's when he hit me.

Det. Stein: Where?

Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans over to have a look.

Det. Stein: Well, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard.

Buffy: I don't bruise easily.

Det. Stein: So you've been hit before?

Buffy: Yes.

Det. Stein: But Ted never hit you.

Buffy: I told you...

Det. Stein: Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight?

Buffy: What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn't mean to!

Det. Stein: I believe you. Things get outta hand. He's a big guy.

He writes some notes on his pad. Buffy can only watch.

Joyce: Are you charging her with something?

Cut to Joyce still sitting by Detective Stein's desk.

Det. Stein: We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her, and if that's the case... (shrugs) Anyway, we've gotta examine it further. Right now I think you should just take her home, and the two of you should try and get some rest.

Cut to the street. They're driving home in Joyce's Jeep. Cut inside the car. Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother briefly, then out the side window. Cut to school the next day. Buffy comes into the hall from outside, and everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the lounge. Cut to the lounge. Xander and Willow catch up with her.

Xander: Buffy!

They climb the steps up to the couches.

Xander: Are you okay?

Willow: How come you're here?

Buffy: I couldn't stay at home. (she and Willow sit) Mom won't even look at me.

Xander sits on the table facing them.

Willow: What happened? Unless you don't want to talk about it.

Buffy: We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it.

Willow: The paper said he fell.

Buffy: He fell. Hard.

Xander: What was he?

Buffy: What?

Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-feature here, right?

Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes.

Xander: Oh man!

Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.

Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

Xander: Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something?

Buffy: (shakes her head) I-I don't know. Not yet.

Willow looks at her sympathetically.

Buffy: (eyes down) He was a person, and I killed him.

Willow: Don't say that!

Buffy: (looks up at Willow) Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth.

Xander: It was an accident.

Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.

Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless...

Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother?

Xander has no response to that.

Buffy: I gotta go.

She gets up and leaves at a quick pace. Xander and Willow watch her go and look at each other for what to do. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the door, then sees her coming.

Giles: Buffy?

Buffy stops in her tracks, but stays to face him.

Giles: Are you alright?

Buffy just looks up at him.

Giles: Oh, uh, stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, i-i-if there's anything you need, of course, just, just ask.

Buffy: (notices the man guarding the door) What's going on? (walks toward the classroom)

Giles: Oh, you needn't worry about that. They're just asking a few questions, your, your, your behavior and... um... uh...

Buffy looks into the room through the door window and sees Detective Stein talking with two of her teachers.

Giles: Of course, I told them you, uh... I...

Buffy quickly walks off.

Cut to the library. Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage getting together some weapons. Xander is pacing.

Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him...

Willow gives him a look.

Xander: Earlier this week.

Cordelia: I thought you liked him.

Xander: (steps over to her) I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.

Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in the other.

Willow: We've gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen?

Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens his satchel to get a pen.

Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Ooo! Cookies!

Giles goes back into the cage for more weapons.

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...

Xander: What, a license to kill? (takes a bite of a cookie)

Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Willow: Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.

Giles: (comes back) Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. (adds an ax and other stuff to the bag) She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.

Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?

Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible. (heads back to the cage)

Xander: So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? (takes another bite of his cookie)

Giles: Um, well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol. (comes back to the table) The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to. (adds several crosses to the bag)

Willow: Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer.

Giles: Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there *is* no Slayer.

Xander takes another bite of his cookie.

Cordelia: If you need help...

Giles: No, uh, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible. (takes up the bag to go)

Willow: Be careful.

Giles: I-I will. (leaves)

Willow: Ted's got no criminal record! Damn! This guy's like citizen of the year!

Xander: Don't sweat it. It'll be fine.

Willow: Don't sweat it?

Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! (goes over to her) We'll work it out! (ruffles her hair) No worries!

Cordelia: What happened to 'this is killing me'?

Xander: (shakes his cookie at Cordelia) Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems.

The cookie catches Willow's eye and she grabs it from Xander, breaking off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it. Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is packing away a bunch of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door, fidgeting with her hands.

Buffy: Can I help?

Joyce: It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months. Do you, uh, have homework?

Buffy: I didn't mean to hurt him.

Joyce: I don't wanna talk about this.

Buffy: Mom, please, you have to know...

Joyce: I can't, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room.

Buffy looks like she's about to burst into tears as she turns to go to her room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, too, then picks up the box and takes it into the basement. Cut to the science lab at school. Several cookies are sitting on a scale. Willow is staring into a microscope.

Willow: Okay!

Xander: What do we know?

Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient (looks up from the scope) is not love.

Xander: What is it then?

Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy.

Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you!

She gives him a wide smile.

Xander: Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!

Cordelia: (comes into the lab) Well, your search finally hit pay dirt. You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address. (puts the printouts on the table)

Xander: Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt.

They all head out of the lab. Willow grabs the printouts on the way. Cut to the park. Giles is walking slowly past some bushes, weapons bag in hand, when he's startled and spins around holding up a cross.

Giles: Ah!

Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.

Giles: Jenny! What are you doing here?

Jenny: I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize.

Giles: Well, now is... not the best time to go ta...

Jenny: No, no, please, please, lemme just, lemme get this out. (exhales) I was sooo... harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before, and...

Giles: (looks past her) Right in harm's view now.

A vampire comes out of the bushes behind Jenny and growls at them. Cut to Buffy's room. She's sitting at her desk facing into the room. She hears a noise.

Buffy: Mom? (silence) (exhales) The hell with this.

She gets up and strides over to her window. She tries to lift the sash, but it's stuck in place. She looks as it and sees the problem.

Buffy: She nailed it shut. Well, it's official, this day can't get any worse.

She senses something behind her and spins around to see Ted standing there.

Ted: Beg to differ.

Act Four

Buffy's room. She has her back to the window as Ted confronts her.

Buffy: You died.

Ted: That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?

Buffy: What are you?

Ted: I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down...

He grabs her by the strap of her coveralls and yanks her across the room. She falls into her desk chair.

Ted: ...a good salesman always bounces back!

Cut to the park. The vampire roars and attacks. Jenny screams in fright and jumps aside, so the vampire crashes into Giles, grabbing him and pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds his cross in the vampire's face.

Giles: (to Jenny) MY BAG!

Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face, but the vampire isn't fazed. Giles punches him again harder, and this time the vampire pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath him to push him off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his feet. The vampire jumps up and starts to wrestle with Giles. Jenny in the mean time has loaded a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear shot. Cut to Buffy's room. She gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw. Ted flinches, but doesn't back off. Buffy punches him twice in the stomach and again in the face, but he isn't fazed, and he grabs her by the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the wall.

Ted: You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You should've seen the intern's face when I got up off the table, it was a hoot! Fun's over, though.

He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze. Cut to the park. Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly turning so that Jenny still doesn't have a clear shot. At one point the turning stops, and Jenny decides it's time for her to shoot.

Jenny: Say good night, big guy!

The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly, and it hits Giles in the lower left of his back.

Giles: AHHH!

Jenny lowers the crossbow and looks at them, shocked by what happened.

Jenny: OH, GOD!

The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of the bolt and bends over in pain.

Jenny: Oh, no!

She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt.

Vampire: (laughs) Nice shot, lady!

Giles rends the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire's chest. Jenny has found another bolt and stands back up to see Giles let go of the bolt. The vampire falls to the ground and explodes into ashes. Jenny stares in shock and relief at what she's just seen. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted tightens his grip on Buffy's throat. She looks over at her nightstand for anything to use as a weapon and reaches for her nail file that's lying there. She grabs it and stabs Ted in the left forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor.

Ted: That wasn't playing fair, missy!

He grabs his left wrist with his right hand and looks down at the wound. There are torn wires and sparks and smoke coming from it.

Ted: You're gonna find...

His head jerks to the right when some short circuits result from the cut.

Ted: Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again! (his head jerks back) ...that I don't like being disobeyed!

Cut downstairs. Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box and closes the door behind her. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted hears the sound of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw, and knocks her out. He goes to her door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his arm. His head jerks again from another short.

Ted: Don't worry about me and your mother. We're gonna be very happy!

He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him. Cut to Ted's small workshop. Xander looks in through the multi-paned window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes with a crowbar and uses it to knock out the broken glass.

Willow: Careful!

Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. He looks in as Willow comes to stand in the doorway also, and they scan around the place with their flashlights. Slowly they walk in with

Cordelia right behind them.

Xander: Let's look around.

Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him.

Cordelia: I'll take the back.

Xander: Check for cookies.

Willow gives Xander a look.

Xander: For evidence!

Willow: So far I've counted four marriage certificates.

Xander: (looks at some shelves) Any divorce papers?

Willow: Not a one.

Xander: So either our boy was a Mormon, or...

Willow: (notices) Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young! Like pre-school young.

Cordelia: (comes from the back) Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here.

Xander: Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all.

Cordelia: (looks down) Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor.

Xander looks down at the new-looking Oriental rug. He and Willow exchange a look. Xander steps back off of the rug and lifts it back. Underneath is a trap door. Cut to the Summers kitchen. Joyce starts to fill the box with more cooking pans and dishes. She hears someone coming and assumes it's Buffy.

Joyce: Oh. Buffy, I'm sorry... (exhales) I know you didn't mean to...

She looks over expecting to see Buffy and steps back and inhales in fright when she sees Ted standing in the door.

Ted: Joyce?

Joyce: (whispers) Ted! Is it really you? But you were...

Ted: (steps into the kitchen) I'm okay! I'm okay.

Joyce: I-I don't understand this! You were dead!

Ted: They said I must've been dead for six minutes. They said any longer and it would've caused brain damage.

Joyce: Oh, why didn't they tell us?

Ted: Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for almost a day. An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.

Joyce: Oh, Ted!

She wraps her arms around him and hugs him close. He hugs her back.

Ted: I know.

Joyce: (lets go) Oh, my God, Buffy! Oh, Ted, I swear... she never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me.

Ted: You don't have to worry about Buffy. (Joyce leans on him) You don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here.

Cut to Ted's workshop. Xander pushes down the ladder and it unfolds into the basement below. He climbs down the steps and reaches up his hand to steady Cordelia as she follows. Willow comes down behind them. Xander finds a switch on the wall and flips it. The lights come on, and an old record player starts to play lounge music. They all look around. The place is furnished as an apartment.

Cordelia: Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.

They continue looking around. Cordelia checks out some magazines on the coffee table. Willow finds a window and pulls aside the curtains. There's just a wall on the other side of the glass. Xander finds a closet door.

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?

He opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut.

Xander: Let's go.

Cordelia: But we need evidence!

Xander: We got it.

Willow: What's in there?

Xander: His first four wives.

Willow and Cordelia start back up the stairs. Xander turns off the light switch and follows them up. Cut to Ted and Joyce in the kitchen.

Ted: You know what brought me back, Joyce? It was you. I couldn't go into that light. I had to come back for you. I'm gonna make you so happy!

Joyce: (smiles) You should sit down.

Ted: I feel fine! Never better! (smiles)

Joyce: (exhales) Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first. Before she sees you, 'cause I'm sure she's...

Ted: (angry) Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about worrying about Teddy? He's the one who died!

Joyce: (taken aback) I-I-I'm, I'm sorry, I just... I... (exhales) I-I don't know what to do!

Ted: Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right. Then you and I... (shorts and jerks his head right) Want a little gravy with that? (jerks his head back) ...can go away where no one will bother us again.

Joyce: (looking worried) Ted, I, I think you might wanna rest for awhile.

Ted: (angry) I think you might wanna stop telling me what to do! I don't take orders from women! I'm not wired that way!

His circuitry can be heard shorting out. Cut to the park. Jenny kneels next to Giles who is sitting on the ground pressing a handkerchief to his wound.

Jenny: Oh, God, I am so sorry!

Giles: I think I'm alright.

Jenny: No, you're just in shock.

Giles: No, no, really, I, uh, I don't think it went in too deep. The...advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.

He lifts the handkerchief off of his wound and Jenny sees the blood.

Jenny: (squeamish) Oh, okay, alright, we have to get you to the hospital.

Giles: Yes, yes.

Jenny: C'mon.

She takes his arm and pulls him up.

Giles: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!

Jenny: Sorry! Sorry!

Giles: Let's move slowly, shall we?

Jenny: Sorry! Okay...

She goes around to his other side and takes his arm to help support him.

Jenny: Okay...

They start to limp away, and Jenny begins to laugh.

Giles: What? Wha-what is it?

Jenny: Some night, huh? (Giles smirks) Yeah, you really know how to woo a girl back, don't cha?

Giles: (laughs) Ow! Ow!

Jenny: Hospital.

Giles: Yes.

Cut to Buffy's room. She slowly regains consciousness. She coughs as she tries to get up. Cut downstairs. Ted follows Joyce down the hall.

Joyce: I-I think I could use a drink. (looks at Ted) Um, to-to-to celebrate! (stops walking)

Ted: We should probably be hitting the road.

Joyce: Hitting the road?

Ted: You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of... (shorts and jerks right) ...telling me what to do! (jerks back) ...time decorating.

Joyce: (making an excuse to go) Well, then I'd, I'd probably better go pack.

Ted: (takes her arm) I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. (shorts) Forever.

Cut to the hall upstairs. Buffy kicks out her doorknob, taking a big chunk of the door with it. Cut downstairs. They hear the noise of the door breaking.

Ted: (holding her arm) Let's go.

Joyce: Ted, let go, please. (he doesn't) Get off me! (jerks her arm away)

He shoves her into the wall, knocking her out. She slides down to the floor.

Ted: Fine then. I'll have to carry you.

He steps over to her and bends down to lift her up when he hears a creaking in the next room. He slowly walks into the foyer, around the stairs and down the hall into the kitchen.

Ted: Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!

Buffy: Uncle Teddy?

He turns to face her, and she swings up into his face with the cast-iron skillet. Ted flies back and hits the floor hard.

Buffy: This house is mine!

Ted rolls around to face her, and some of the skin has been torn from his lips and left cheek, revealing the metal underneath. Circuits are shorting and sparking. Buffy stares at him in shock. Ted stands back up.

Ted: Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi?

Buffy raises the pan and slams it down onto his head. Ted falls backward and convulses on the floor as his circuits begin to overload. He finally crashes, and his eyelids jerk open in a dead stare. Buffy stares at her handiwork in satisfaction. Cut to the next day. The camera pans down from the tree in front of Buffy's house and over to the porch. Joyce and Buffy are sitting on the bench munching on cut vegetables.

Joyce: Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?

Buffy: Sounds like fun.

Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.

Buffy: I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise'ing it again.

Joyce: Mm-hm. Good call. (munches) I still think he's gonna jump out at me. Especially after what the police found in his house. It's just too horrible.

Buffy: I wouldn't worry. He's not coming back.

Joyce: I wish I could be so sure.

Buffy: Trust me. He's on the scrap heap. (gets a look) Of life.

Cut to Sunnydale High. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Cordelia come down the stairs and start down the hall.

Xander: So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.

Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...

Buffy: (interrupts) Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.

Willow: Not any big ones.

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?

Willow frowns.

Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Cordelia: Can we just drop the subject?

Buffy: Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off.

She and Willow look into the library through the round door windows and immediately turn around and leave.

Buffy: Okay! That's it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room?

Xander and Cordelia look in, too, smile at each other and walk away.

Buffy: I mean, what is it with grownups these days?

The camera closes in on a window and shows Giles and Jenny embracing and kissing.

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